The Sand Hill Review           http://www.sandhillreview.org              2004

 

 

From the Beginning, I Wanted It

 

Since I sat on Gary Stamps' skinny lap and we pressed

our lips together. His were chapped, mine

 

motionless and soft, receiving the impression of the seal.

We counted the seconds--one hundred, two hundred, five…

 

like flagpole sitters in the depression, learning

to bear this rapture.

 

I loved them all--the tanned boys on the beach,

our bodies salty and tangled like kelp drying in the sun.

 

In their cars, I offered my breasts,

extravagant gifts in black lace wrapping.

 

In their rooms, I astonished them, shedding my clothes

like a tree that drops its flaming leaves in a single gust.

 

I loved how close they crept, young deer

who come right up on the porch and into the house,

 

nibbling yellow roses from a vase.

I loved their uncomplicated hunger.

 

So when my husband left, dividing

us like a perfect part down the center

 

of a scalp, I couldn't bear it.

I followed him begging

 

like that woman who holds out her hand

in the parking lot, trailing you to your car

 

with her complicated story of bus fare, stolen

wallet, job interview … And maybe

 

this is the consequence of rapture,

the way we cling even to its carapace.

 

Ellen Bass